As far back as I can remember, nearly every church service I’ve ever been in has had a “meet and greet” time. Baptist churches called it “hand-shakin’ time”. Some of the more exuberant churches called it “hand-shake and hug time”.
In more formal churches they call it “passing the peace of Christ”. I visited a Lutheran church with my family once on vacation. The minister said, “Now let’s all stand and pass the peace of Christ!” I felt somewhat alarmed, because I didn’t know what to do. Then I saw what everybody was doing, and I thought, “Oh, it’s just shakin’ hands!”
I guess it’s become more-or-less ingrained in the way I’ve led church services over the years. Once my in-laws came down to visit, and came to Sunday dinner at our house after the morning worship service. We gathered in a circle before the meal, and I asked the blessing over our food. As soon as I said “Amen”, my grandson Andrew, who was about 3 years old at the time, said, “Now everybody shake hands with 4 or 5 people!” We all laughed, and Rae Anne’s Aunt Kay said, “Well, we know somebody’s paying attention in church!”
Last year, after comments from several people, we suspended our meet-and-greet time during flu season. Honestly, it annoyed me, even though, deep down, I thought it was probably a good idea. It’s just that practically every church I’ve ever been to in my life has had a time to shake hands as part of the worship service. I hate to admit this, but I think I was really saying: “We’ve never done it that way before!” (Ouch. That hurt.)
I have a confession to make about all this. Whenever we’re on vacation and we visit other churches, I’m always pretty uncomfortable during the hand-shaking time. I feel awkward, and a little embarrassed. I think things like this: “Okay, you make people do this all the time, so just do it. …Does he want to shake hands? No, he’s going to shake hands with that guy he knows across the aisle. …This guy wants to shake hands. Ugh! Cold and moist! Hope he didn’t just blow his nose! …Okay, I’ll shake hands with this lady. No, she turned away. Why does this feel like high school all over again?”
Those are the kinds of things that go through my mind during a “shaking hands” time, but I’ve always thought it was just me. People don’t believe this, because I’ve learned to compensate for it over the years, but I am basically a shy person. I once read about Johnny Carson that his natural impulse when entering a crowded room was to go sit in a corner and not make eye contact with anybody. I relate to that. So I thought it was just my personality type that made me feel uncomfortable when asked to shake hands in a church service.
Turns out, it isn’t just me after all.
I have known of Thom Rainer for almost 20 years. I first discovered him through his books on church growth and evangelism. At 25 years of age, he was the youngest vice-president of a major banking corporation in the South. Then in 1982 he went into the ministry, earning his Master of Divinity and Doctor of Philosophy degrees from Southern Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky. He pastored churches in Alabama, Florida, Kentucky and Indiana before joining the faculty of Southern Seminary in 1994 as the founding dean of the Billy Graham School of Missions, Evangelism and Church Growth. He is now the president of Lifeway Christian Resources, one of the largest Christian publishing houses in the world. And he founded Lifeway Research for the purpose of providing pastors and churches with real-world, practical information and advice for church health and effectiveness. I tell you all this so you know that he has a wealth of experience in both secular and church circles. Thom Rainer doesn’t write impractical, “ivory tower” stuff. He consistently puts out insightful, practical, real-world advice.
And do you know what he discovered about “hand-shaking times” in churches?
People don’t like them.
Especially first-time visitors to a church service.
Thom Rainer had observed something through the years. He noticed that many people will visit a church service once, but then never return. He wanted to know the reasons why. So he conducted a poll to ask these first-time guests why they chose not to return to a particular church. Some of the responses he expected. But some of them surprised him completely. Especially the reason these people gave most often.
Out of the top ten reasons listed by people as to why they never returned to a church, the number one reason was: “Having a stand up and greet one another time in the worship service.”
Rainer said this response surprised him for two reasons. First, he was surprised at how uncomfortable visitors to a church really are during this time. And second, he was surprised because it was the most frequent response.
The second most-listed response was: “Unfriendly church members.” Now you may be thinking, “Wait a minute! That’s why we shake hands!” But these non-returning visitors said they felt that the friendliness expressed during a “Hand-shaking time” was forced and non-genuine…especially if nobody talked to them or shook their hands at any other time.
Turns out, people like spontaneous handshakes and unforced friendliness better than scripted, coerced friendliness. Go figure. And deep down, I find myself agreeing with them.
Other studies have found that, no matter the size of the church, church members only talk to a maximum of 60 people every Sunday. And it’s usually people they already know. Many churches consider themselves to be friendly. They say, “We talk to people all the time!” But many visitors to these churches can attest: they’re only talking to people they know, not to the guests.
My family and I once visited a church on vacation, dressed in our Sunday best and carrying our Bibles. Only one person spoke to us the whole time we were on their premises: the man who bumped into me in the hallway and said “Excuse me!” as he ran past.
Even when churches do have a time to stand and shake hands, another observation has been that you tend to shake hands with the same few people every week. I have sometimes cringed from the platform as I play music during our meet-and-greet time, because I’ve seen visitors stand awkwardly while everyone around them shakes hands with each other. Usually 2 or 3 people will go shake their hands…but not until after some long, uncomfortable moments have passed for them.
It makes me uncomfortable. Family, friends and other church members have admitted to me that it makes them uncomfortable. And it makes visitors to our church (any church!) uncomfortable. So why are we still having a “stand-up-and-shake-hands” time?
Let’s stop shaking. At least, in a scripted, forced way. It’s very important that we do greet people and welcome them when they come to visit us…but it needs to be unscripted, spontaneous, and from the heart.
Because they can tell the difference.
And because they won’t come back if they feel like it’s forced, and not from the heart.
People prefer spontaneous friendliness and real smiles. Me, too. Let’s give it a try.
Amen?
Soli Deo Gloria!
Pastor David